Description

They're Definitely Crazy: A Dog's Guide to Understanding Humans (You Can't)

Henry has been watching his humans for years.

He has observed their strange rituals. The Tall One who wakes up early, makes food appear in bowls, and keeps mysterious marks on glowing rectangles. The Other One who sleeps until noon and responds to acts of service with a single letter: "K."

He has witnessed their conflicts. The sighing. The phone calls to other humans about sighing. The trips to a stranger who sits in a chair and makes word-sounds while Henry—clearly the more qualified counselor—waits at home, uncompensated.

He has thoughts.

In this hilarious companion to "He's Definitely Controlling Me" and "She's Definitely Ungrateful," Henry the dog finally gets his say. Through 50 chapters of deadpan canine wisdom, he shares his observations on everything that makes absolutely no sense about human behavior:

Why do they stare into the Cold Box without taking food?

Why does the Quiet Car have cameras everywhere, but they still don't trust each other with calendars?

Why do they wear different coverings every day when fur works perfectly fine?

Why do they yell at each other about things that happened twenty years ago, then make the apology-food and pretend it never happened?

And most importantly: why won't anyone just sniff things and move on?

Henry rates his humans (The Tall One: 9.3 out of 10. The Other One: 6.7. The scoring is fair.) He catalogs threats (squirrels, the vacuum, the doorbell, leaves that move suspiciously). He reveals the true meaning of tail wags (see Appendix D). And he shares the meaning of life—which, as it turns out, is surprisingly simple when you have four legs and no concept of money.

Written in Henry's distinctive voice—simple sentences, present tense, genuine bewilderment—this book offers a fresh perspective on marriage, relationships, and the beautiful absurdity of sharing your life with someone. Even if that someone responds to homemade dinners with a thumbs-up emoji.

The humans are crazy.

But Henry loves them anyway.

Woof.